山海杂记 2007: 读书：阿拉伯的劳伦斯

星期二熬了一个通宵，终于把毕业论文定稿了。索引、致谢词什么的不算，正文恰恰100页。不算很长，不过应该也可以交差了。算计了一下，答辩前还有些准备工作要做，不过差不多按部就班，心里已经很稳当了。不过身体是非常的疲劳了。本来致谢词想写得很煽情的，不过后来还是改了主意，四平八稳。

这几天的夜里忙里偷闲，阅读Jeremy Wilson的『阿拉伯的劳伦斯』。厚厚的书有一千多页，不知何年何月才读得完。不过我自己给自己规定，一本书不读完，坚决不打开下一本。

T.E. Lawrence的人生，用中国的古词来说，就是那种“不如意事、十常居八九”的一类，正是所谓的悲剧英雄，所以看的时候心里总是沉沉的。但也有一种特别的安静。

他同阿拉伯少年Dahoum之间的瓜葛，世间则是众说纷纭。既有坚决认定是子虚乌有的，也有写得极香艳、乃至到龌龊程度的。劳伦斯自己写道，“I wrought for him freedom to lighten his sad eyes, but he had died waiting for me. So I threw my gift away and now not anywhere will I find rest and peace.”另外他的一首诗里也写道：

I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands,
---and wrote my will across the sky in stars
To gain you freedom, the seven-pillared worthy house,
---that your eyes might be shining for me
When I came.

Death was my servant on the road, till we were near
---and saw you waiting:
When you smiled, and in sorrowful envy he outran me,
---and took you apart
Into his quietness.

So our love's earning was your cast-off body,
---to be held one moment
Before Earth's soft hands would explore all your face,
---and the blind worms transmute
Your failing substance.

Men prayed me to set my work, the inviolate house,
---in memory of you:
But for fit monument I shattered it unfinished, and now
---The little things creep out and patch themselves hovels
---in the marred shadow
Of your gift.

看到这些，真相估计也就不言自明了。

史书中的劳伦斯是阿拉伯人的救主，英国人的骄傲。不过他自己在一封书信里则说，“I liked a particular Arab very much, and I thought that freedom for the race（指把阿拉伯从奥斯曼帝国的统治下解放出来）would be an acceptable present.”这似乎颇有损他的圣徒形象。原来翻天覆地、出生入死的，只是为了成就他对Dahoum的爱情。但我则是很一厢情愿的坚信，哪怕Dahoum从未出现，劳伦斯在那样的时代还是同样会为阿拉伯民族而战。

到美国这几年来，自己看人的态度转变颇大。年轻时始终欣赏的是热衷的人物，很难对劳伦斯这样淡泊的人提起兴致来。但不知何时起，口味就慢慢改了。到现在，只有那些ego很小、胸怀很阔的，才能入得法眼；否则，哪怕再是叱咤风云、指点江山的成功者，也懒得去留意了。

山海杂记 2007

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